Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Lawyer High

I spent 18 of the last 30 hours in Washington, DC. I love that city at all times (much like I love any city at any time), but in Spring it is particularly glorious. As I walked past the embassies on Massachusetts Ave. and through Dupont Circle to meet a friend for dinner, I was treated to bright blue skies, flowers exploding everywhere, and temperatures at a balmy 65-70 (15 degrees warmer than Fort Worth).

I was there to give a presentation to about 25 people far more important than me from different divisions all over the SEC regarding my biggest case. It was a big deal. I enjoy presentations and public speaking and I've been pushing this particular issue for months now, so I was excited to go, but my wardrobe constraints did give me pause when I was packing Monday night. My 1 inch baby and its penchant for hamburgers and sandwiches has given me enough of a belly to make it impossible to button my usual tailored work pants. However, I have not yet filled out enough to keep up my maternity pants. I hate the Bella band- I know it is secure, but I can't handle standing in front of a room of 25 men knowing my pants are unzipped and unbuttoned with only a stretch of black spandex holding them up against the weight of gravity and my belly. Luckily, my favorite navy blue knit work dress was still zippable, small size notwithstanding, and the criss-crossing of the bust line actually concealed my pregnancy very well. At least until I turned to the side.


baby!

The presentation went well. Very well, actually. The second highest ranking person in my whole work universe "stopped in" and ended up canceling meetings for the rest of the morning to stay until the end and asked a lot of detailed questions. He sent a very nice note to my boss's boss's boss, who forwarded it to me, about the presentation and the case and after 10 months of work, it gave me a huge smile to see, even through the blinding headache I get every time I fly in a plane. A headache not helped by my inability to sleep in hotel rooms which has reached acute levels- I was awake until at least 3:45 this morning, slept fitfully until 6:30, when I just gave up, got dressed, and went on with the day. I love traveling, it seems cruel that my body handles it so poorly.

Anyway, as I was standing up, walking through my power point and answering arcane accounting questions regarding the unusual and complex structured transaction, I had three thoughts: (1) who would have thought my Plan II degree/philosophy and biology degree would ever take here?; (2) this is why I love being a litigator- working for months to become an expert in something you'd never heard about before and will discard once your case is over, only to do it again immediately on the next one; and (3) this feeling- this high from talking to a group of smart, engaged people about something I've put so much time and effort into, and having fun while doing it, this is why I can't ever imagine not working. These moments may only come every few months, but I can stay high on them forever. I love being JP's wife and Landon and Claire's mother, and I get an enormous amount of satisfaction from both of those roles. They are part of my definition of myself and they are undoubtedly a big part of my foundational happiness. But, and I had a moment where I felt this to my core in the middle of the presentation, they can't give me this. This feeling of intellectual competence, of professional satisfaction, of just being a lawyer- and I get a lot from that too. I crave it and I need it and I would be a less happy person without it.

I don't think I've been having any particular career/mom uncertainty in recent weeks. My two worlds seem to exist peacefully these days, now that there's a bright line between them (which has been interesting from a work/life balance perspective, since at the firm what worked best was just blending the two together as closely as possible), but I welcome moments of clarity and try file them away. Moments after the meeting ended and I shook some more hands and made just enough small talk not to seem rude, I ran out of the office, 3 1/2" heels, suitcase, and all, to bypass the Union Station cab line and hail a taxi few streets away. I had a 1:40 flight out, a mere 18 hours after arriving, so I could get home in time to pick up the kids from school. After a nice 3.5 hours of reading on the plane (finally read Divergent- so good! starting on #2 tonight even though I should go to bed), I drove to school to collect a Clairebear so excited she could only scream "Mama!!" over and over when she saw me and a Lanman who had missed me enough to offer to share his daily sticker for good behavior. And so my world clicked back over again, but the high from the legal one lingered remained, even as I switched out my dress for pj pants and my heels for fuzzy crocs I won't actually admit to wearing. It's a good day when it all comes together.

12 comments:

  1. (1) you dont look pregs even from the side, and (2) wow, that sounds awesome. good work, LL!

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  2. Congrats! That's awesome. You just described my feelings on being a working mom in a much more eloquent fashion than I've been able to. Granted, I don't have a bright line between work and home. It wavers more back and forth - right now, I'm in a good place after three months of far too much work. Just in time for my husband to start travelling a lot again.

    And you look fantastic!

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  3. Love your kickass lawyer posts! Congratulations on impressing everybody at the presentation.

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  4. Thanks for this post. I'm a wife, mom to three boys (a 3-year-old and 1-year-old twins), and part-time bigfirm lawyer (yes, such positions do exist, and yes, I actually work part-time, not full-time with a part-time paycheck). As much as I sometimes gripe about the (occasional) stress of working, I know that, ultimately, it's what makes me a complete person. I love setting the example for my boys of a professional woman. My husband and I contribute equally to our household income and split our household and childcare duties evenly based on who is better at what. But it's also important to me for my children to know that I am and always will be available for them and that work will never come before them. Ever. (Hence, the part-time schedule.) Anyway, I'm rambling but wanted to say thanks for putting into words one of the very important reasons that I keep working. It's who I am.

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  5. You look like you just had a french fry or cookie too many, but definitely not preggo. :)

    Thanks for this post. I always love your working mom balance posts, because you are one of the few people I "know" who does both and balances it well (and whose parenting I respect). I have the same rationale for continuing to work... I need that intellectual stimulation. I love my job and I love being a mom. I think I would still love being a mom if I didn't work, I'm just not sure I would be has happy as a whole person.

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  6. I love this!

    I had a similar moment last night after having a great meeting with my research students in the afternoon. I was singing to the radio and letting the kids help me cook and having such a lovely, happy time and I thought "I never feel this fulfilled and relaxed on days I don't work. Interesting." It's good for everyone!

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  7. Woo-hoo! You look great, as always, and your meeting sounds like it went incredibly well. Glad you made it home quickly despite furlough/sequestration hell. Which leads me to wonder... are you being sequestered? Trying to reach attorneys at another agency and they are required to take a day off unpaid and unaccessable (not sure on frequency).

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  8. I get migraines when I travel too- both flying and road trips. I've found it's very important to stay well hydrated, and try to stick to my usual meal times and make sure those meals have protein. Trying to stay close to my regular sleep times is big too, but much more challenging as I can't sleep in a car or on a plane. I try to at least close my eyes and rest. When I can't sleep, sometimes I can trick myself by 'giving up' and telling myself I'm just going to close my eyes and rest...taking the pressure off seems to let me relax and fall asleep.

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  9. Loved this post. I also love my kids and love to work. What I don't like is working too much or being home too much--both make the work/life balance shift and no one ends up happy. For me, it's not about setting an example to my daughters (or son for that matter); it's just about doing what feels right and natural for me and for our family. My kids can make their own choices just as I did. What I hope most for them is that they have a choice to make, and not that they HAVE to work or HAVE to not work.

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  10. Congratulations on the "lawyer high"! Nothing like it! I really liked Claire's hair cut pics.

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  11. Just what I needed, thanks a lot….

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