Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bits of Balance

Back in law school I read blogs of other working moms and always wondered why they didn't write about the details of balancing this life I would soon be living. I wanted to know more about how it worked and how they felt about it; I really wanted someone to tell me that I could do it and that everything would be okay. I could find lots from stay-at-home moms enjoying what they did and working moms who wished they could stay home, but there weren't a whole lot of professional working moms providing me with the assurances I craved. And now that I've joined their ranks I think I've found a reason why - when things are going well, you just don't have a lot to write about. There's no conflict to hash out, no angst to share with the world- you're just living your life and loving your family and pretty darn pleased with the whole thing. There's also the lack of time and need for sleep. If there's something I need to get out of my system, I will stay up late to write about it, but if it's just a little update, I'll pick my pillow over my laptop most of the time. But I'm going to try to make more of an effort to talk about how things are going on the good days, because you know a bad, unbalanced, I'm-not-doing-anything-well kind of day is lurking just around the corner and I don't want to that to be all anybody reads.

So, the balancing. Unlike, "having it all," I think it's an appropriate description of my life (really of any parent's life). Because it is a never-ending balancing act- flipping between my roles as attorney, wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, and individual, and dividing my time amongst what I love: family, food, work, TV, books, play time, shopping, and sleep (not necessarily in that order). It all has to be juggled in a way that makes you feel mostly well-rounded most of the time, and so far, I think I've done that.

In the last few weeks our little family has found its groove. It's a groove that has minor deviations every other day, but at least we know what we're deviating from. JP and I alternate who does daycare drop-off and pick-up based on his class schedule. Two days a week he picks Landon up extra early which gives Landon two shorter days at school and me two days where I'm not working against the clock to go pick him up. Drop-off in general has been fantastic since that first week- I actually look forward to my turn. Landon is so excited to be in the building. He points (with conviction- finger straight, arm flung out, and a focused look on his face) the whole way to his classroom door, smiles at his teacher, and then dives out of my arms so he can climb into his seat and cram the pancake that awaits him into his mouth. I get big flappy-armed waves goodbye and continue on my way. It's amazing how much the guilt lessens when your kid isn't sobbing- maybe that's why I felt so different that first week of work. It wasn't because of the baby v. toddler awareness, it was because he never cried when I left him at Maya's? Regardless, things are going well and he always has glowing reports from his teachers (today it said "Landon is our happy guy- always smiling!!"). They do so many neat activities- he's met a pony and painted with water colors, and he absolutely loves all their outside time. As we've both become more comfortable I've found myself checking the daycare cameras less often- yesterday I forgot to check in at all!

My job is going very well, I really like the pace and variety of corporate work. So far I've been able to leave by 5:30 every day except two, and on both of those days I pushed back enough to still see Landon before bed. I think that's the most important thing - being up front about your boundaries and sticking to them. And rather than be irritated, I think most people appreciate your candidness. Of course when I say "push back" I mean do it respectfully (i.e. not when someone is going to be at the office waiting for you to have your assignment done so they can do theirs), get your work done on time, and make sure it's perfect- the only difference is that you're reallocating the hours in a way that lets you be a parent in the middle of being an attorney. Last Thursday I got an assignment late in the day and told the assigning attorney at 5:30 that I was heading out to get my son at daycare but that I'd get the reviewing done tonight and start combing through documents tomorrow. She thought that sounded great and wished me a happy evening. So I went home and did the full playtime and bathtime routine (complete with his delicious pre-bed snuggles) and then sat at the table and reviewed documents for an hour while JP studied his financial hieroglyphics.

On the flip side, this past Wednesday was a night I needed to stay in the office. A senior associate was finalizing a memo for a client's board meeting at 9 am the next morning and I offered to help him finish it. JP had already picked up Landon and they were having happy daddy-toddler time, so I stuck around, got him his answers, and still managed to race out the door at 7:15 to put Landon to bed. It was by far the latest I've stayed in the office and I think the goodwill my efforts generated was more than worth it (not to mention the fact that I really like the people I work with and want to help them get home to their own families).

We've all been making little adjustments to see more of each other. JP and both get up before Landon to take our showers and get ready for the day. I do my hair, make-up, etc. and then put my pj's back on so I can play with Landon for an hour before we head out the door. It's usually a fun, giggly time of day for the little guy (as opposed to the often fussy early evening hours) and he makes waking up earlier than necessary completely worth it. JP's school schedule has been tough- between all the reading, studying, group projects, and endless evening events, we don't see him as much as we'd like, but we make it a point to do some kind of family outing every weekend and that helps.

I don't know if any of this is helpful to anyone, but I can say that at the end of my 4th week at the firm I feel significantly less conflicted than at the end of my 1st. There's hundreds more weeks to go, so I'm not saying there won't be days when I can't get home, when I miss things, or when I contemplate (and/or effectuate) a change in career path, and I promise to be open about those times too. For now I'm trusting in my firm, my colleagues, and myself to safeguard my family time while building the career I want.

14 comments:

  1. I am so glad it is working out so well for you. I enjoyed my job, it was just the daycare and the long hours my husband worked that made it so hard on me. I think when it is working people are a little afraid to put it out there and tempt karma or something.

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  2. I'm glad to hear things are going so well! It helps so much to have a supportive partner. I love that Landon is getting so much out of daycare, too! That really does make a big difference in how you feel during the day.

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  3. I'm so happy for you, JP and the Landon! And I applaud your firm for being so family-friendly.

    In my case, in addition to the primary fact that I did not find my work fulfilling, working until at least 1 AM most days (and often through the night into the next day) was not something that would have allowed me to sustain a pregnancy, let alone a family.

    Anyway, the point is that you have done a phenomenal job of "balancing," in part because you stayed true to your priorities. It's paying off, so enjoy it!

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  4. I think of you as my pioneer sometimes because you're doing everything that I hope to do a year or so before me. When I wondered what it would really be like to be pregnant in law school, I read your blog. Now that I am thinking about the baby actually being here while I'm in law school, I think about what you wrote last year. And in about a year, I'll be trying to balance a family with being a corporate lawyer, so all of these posts are very helpful. Not because they have any particular pieces of advice or a key to making it all work flawlessly, but because you paint a realistic picture of what I can actually expect. Piecing together summaries of good and bad days and random observations somehow makes it all more tangible and digestible ... because we live life that way too!
    I'm so glad to hear that it's working out well for you ... and I'm glad you admit that it takes more effort and flexibility with certain things to make it happen!

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  5. I've read your blog for awhile now, mostly lurking but occasionally commenting. I just want to say how much I really do appreciate your honesty about this whole balance thing. Honestly I feel the same way. I love my daughter but I am also ready to start working! (I start at my firm in about three and a half weeks - my girlie is 3 months old).

    You've sort of given me permission to not feel guilty about leaving her. I know I'm going to be sad to not see her all the time but I also know that I am going to be such a better mom for having my own life, and doing what I love.

    Thanks so much for sharing.

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  6. Wonderful post. I think it's important to be candid about the good and the bad because as you pointed out not every day is the same. I'm glad to hear that it is possible to be an attorney and a mom. It gives me hope for when I start me family. I think the key is finding the right firm that values you as a human being with a life over a billable hours machine.

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  7. LL you are my hero! i want to be like you someday :) x0

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  8. My experience with "balance" is that it's not so much that it's balanced, but that life is so crazy and hectic that there isn't enough time for me to blog about it - the only time I do, it's when I'm so exhausted I can't do anything else (or the guilt gets me). And one day does seem like another - wake up early, get ready, get baby ready, get in car, drive to town, work, lunch, work, get in car, drive home, get baby ready for bed, spend frantic hour or so doing laundry and/or dishes.... I'm not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed I can't get anything else done. :)

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  9. I am glad to hear things are working out well for you! I find your posts helpful for working moms trying to have it all. Keep them coming!

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  10. I hope it keeps going well! Good for you for making it work!

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  11. I love hearing this! I've wished for more discussion of what life looks like from working moms, too, as I decide what my future is going to look like. Thanks!

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  12. This was a great post! I'm glad your family has found it's routine. I'm so worried about how I will achieve t his balance when i start work/scool again. Thanks for showing us that its possible.

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  13. Finding that balance is hard...with some people it's harder than others. But like you said, being up-front about your personal committments and offering up ways to "make up time" really seems to make all the difference with most employers. I've also been very lucky to work for managers who are so incredibly understanding and accommodating to someone who has young kids (one who was sick for forever and the other one needing speech services), a busy husband, and a long commute which dictates how late I can leave the building in order to get to daycare on time. It makes me hard-pressed to consider leaving a position that allows me so much flexibility

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  14. Great post! I may have to bookmark this and read it often once I have the baby and return to work. I'm contemplating a part-time schedule with the firm, but there's no guarantee it'll be approved. Thanks for sharing.

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